Parenting in Righteousness

The Slough of Despond by Edward Callum, BBC paintings, photo credit: Luton Culture

After many conversations with my husband on parenting over the years, one area has never really "stuck" with me.  I flounder when I must stand up and operate under the authority God has given me as a mother.  Knowing my role as a mother to lead and train my kids in righteousness and knowing my kids' propensity to try to gain control brings me to certain "crisis" in parenting every few months.  I know what I must do, but I fail time and again. In frustration and perfectionism, I sink in the slough of despond.

Recently as we have been calling out to God in prayer for our children, God has been leading me to seek Him and to sow seeds of righteousness and steadfast love in the hearts of my children.  I have been renewed in my desire to read the Bible to them and teach them to love the Lord.  Unbeknownst to me, a friend had been praying for us these words from Hosea 10:12:

Sow for yourselves righteousness;
    reap steadfast love;
    break up your fallow ground,
for it is the time to seek the Lord,
    that he may come and rain righteousness upon you.

When she shared this with me, it was a timely word…like apples of gold, in settings of silver. Oh, how these words apply to our parenting! God has been listening to our prayers all along.  He will not forsake us and our children.

While I was ironing some clothes for Ethan's upcoming trip, I put on a two-part youtube talk from Elisabeth Elliot on Christian mothering entitled "A Peaceful Home."  I read her book "The Shaping of a Christian Family" many years ago, but the time was really right this time as I listened to her old-fashioned advice and help for mothers.  I especially finally understand what Ethan had been talking about all these years when she described the meaning of "Verbal Authority." Of course, I responded with grief, guilt, and regret as I heard her many wise suggestions for parents.  Immediately, I turned to Jesus in prayer.

Lord, You know how weak I am.  Have mercy on me, Jesus! Help me parent these children.  Transform us.  Give our family peace.  Peace. Peace. May we honor You, Jesus.  May we glorify You.  Have mercy on me, Lord, a sinner.  Help me to be the mother, the authority, that you have made me to be.  Teach us to obey Your commandments.

Giving the weight of parenting to Jesus is my only option.  I have already tried to implement a legalistic set of requirements and methods in order to raise my kids in the way they should go. In many ways, these outside rules and lists only take the authority from me as the mother to some outside abstract "way."  This only leads to judgment and joylessness.  The result is not happy, joyful children who love Jesus, but angry little legalists.  Hmm…that is not what we want for them. I want a relationship with my kids that is loving between us (horizontal) and loving towards God (vertical). Raising your children to know the grace of Jesus and the loving, consistent authority and discipline of a parent is entirely different than a list of rules.  I know I have not arrived at a perfect epiphany on parenting, but God is gradually moving me towards Him and giving me back what sin has tried to steal: Love, Joy, and Peace.

Anything this lady wrote or said is worth listening to, even if the video was made in the 1990s.  :)

Everyday Parenting Questions and Delights

    Unashamedly, I do require my four children to do daily chores, with Saturday being the big cleaning day every week.  But this time, the kids initiated the cleaning.  Thanks, Swiffer!  I bought a wonderful cleaning tool from Walmart today that I have been using at my housecleaning job.  You can dust pretty much anything with it.  With the extension handle, you can even dust corners of your ceiling and ceiling fans.  I love it!  

Dusting this afternoon with our new Swiffer duster.

     Over Christmas vacation, my 12-year-old son decided that he has had enough of being a "TV-less" household.  Since being in Ukraine and Hungary, and not watching television, we realized that this absence is really a lovely and refreshing gift, so we never introduced it again.  Our kids grew up only watching movies on Friday night, and an occasional DVD at other times.  Unlike myself who was pretty much addicted to television when I was in about third grade and later.  Our kids made their own toys, spent time imagining all sorts of things, played outside, read, and built things to fill their lives.  Now that my son has created his own homemade TV antenna we are able to access at least 12 channels.  Now what do I do?  So far my answer to his question, "May I watch TV?" has been "no."  We will see if that changes anytime soon.

PJ's homemade TV antenna in our attic.

Mothering on Friday

O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me. Psalm 139:1 NLT

Friday was a normal day of raising kids--crazy but full of God's grace.  Ethan was out of town for part of the day, and we were busy homeschooling as we do on Fridays.  Amy had woken up with a fever and spent the day in bed. Later Lizzy came to me with a bleeding gum that was sore and swollen.  I was afraid it was an abscess so I took her to the dentist leaving Gretchen in charge of Amy.  I called the next-door neighbor to ask if they could be available if Gretchen had any questions or problems.  That went just fine.  Fortunately, her sore gum was due to some accident, probably from chewing on something hard.  There was no infection and no procedure needed, thankfully. Hah! The Friday before Peter had to have a tooth pulled for a different reason.

By the end of the afternoon, poor Amy began to complain about a sore throat.  After examining her throat with a flashlight, I decided she probably had strep throat, and I called the doctor's office. The receptionist told me if I could get there in ten minutes, they could fit me in before closing time.  The wonderful doctor took one look at her throat and determined that she had "angry strep" and she was promptly tested and prescribed antibiotics and sent out the door.  Meanwhile, Peter and Lizzy were swimming at the YMCA, and Gretchen was holding down the fort at home.

Being a mother is an amazing balancing act with all kinds of events taking place EVERY DAY!  It is such a comfort to know that God is in control of it all, and I can trust our Shepherd, our gracious Father to take care of everything!

Jesus Loves Me This I Know

This may be an elementary theological concept, but it should never be far from our thoughts nor our lips:
Jesus loves me, this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak but He is strong.

Kathy Chapell, wife of Dr. Bryan Chapell, reminded mothers in her talk at The Gospel Coalition conference for women of this basic theological truth, that Jesus loves us. I just finished listening to this talk called "Parenting With Christ In Mind" while working in my kitchen. She spoke so much about the unconditional love of our Father God and how that is reflected in our Christian parenting.  I know that this is such an important truth to know about God but we are often tempted and lied to by the Enemy of our souls to continually question if God's love is not based on our performance or works. The truth, of course, is "no."  God's love for us is based on His character and grace alone.

Dr. Chapell wrote in his book, "Holiness by Grace: Delighting in the Joy that is our Strength" these true words:

For if he loves us because of what is in our hands, then the days will come when we will believe that his affection has diminished because our works are small, or that his care has vanished because our deeds are wrong.

Ethan ordered us this book to read, and I began reading it last week while he was out of town.  The book is written to explain the relationship of God and believers based on a relationship of God's grace which results in a heart of love for God which desires to obey Him and to be holy.  It explains sanctification in such lovely terms that remind me once again why I love God so much: He loved me first that He GAVE His Son to save me from my sins and offer eternal life.  Grace alone.  No more guilt. No more shame. No more bondage. Free to love, not out of compulsion or obligation, but out of joy, gratitude, and newness.

To explain God's unconditional love in simpler terms, Dr. Chapell has written a beautiful story that we have read to our children called, "I'll Love You Anyway And Always."  In this story, a little girl disobeys her father's instructions to not overwater the orchid plant in the garden, and the plant wilts. The girl fears that her father will not love her anymore because of what she has done. Her father lovingly tells her the Gospel story found throughout the pages of the Bible to her daughter. Later when the girl's brother sins against her, she is able to forgive him and show him she still loves him.  So precious!  Let us never get away from this simple truth about God and His loving attitude towards us, his wayward sons and daughters.

Excellent (Grace-Filled) Teaching on Parenting

We have benefited from the teaching at Sovereign Grace Fellowship in Bloomington, MN. Ethan and I have recently listened to a Parenting Seminar series by two of their pastors. The messages have brought me to tears, but have been exactly what I needed at the time, reminding me of the need for more grace from my Lord and Savior. The greatest help for me is in understanding God-given authority of mothers and fathers. For too many years, I exercised my authority as a parent with fear. The pastors have gleaned from the teaching of Tedd Tripp in "Shepherding a Child's Heart" as well as from J.C. Ryle, John Calvin, Paul David Tripp, and Lou Priolo.

Here is the website to listen to the sermons from 2010 online:

http://audio.sovgracemn.org/2010/

Look for the following sermons:

Parenting In Weakness by Dave Harvey (guest), January 17, 2010

Parenting Seminar: Rooted in Gospel by Rick Gamache, January 30, 2010

Parenting Seminar: Rooted in Purpose by Steve Bice, January 30, 2010

Parenting Seminar: To Nourish, Discipline, and Instruct by Rick Gamache, March 27, 2010

Parenting Seminar: Faithful Correction by Steve Bice, March 27, 2010

Praise the Lord for these resources!

Words of Wisdom for Fathers

I was so touched by these words of wisdom from C.J. Mahaney that appeared on The Gospel Coalition's website that I had to share them. They are all about how to communicate the Gospel, love, and discipline to your children. Here is the link to the blog:

How to Treat Your Children so That They Have Good and Right Thoughts about God

Not a Formula

If even our ability to believe in God is given to us by God, then how much of parenting can we perform on our own? We must proceed, then, on our knees first, beggars before the throne, if we are to parent well. -Leslie Leyland Fields in the Christianity Today article "The Myth of the Perfect Parent: Why the best parenting techniques don't produce Christian children."

Things I Have Learned About Potty Training

This past month I potty-trained Amy who is 22 months right now in order to save money on diapers. It has gone pretty well. This is my fourth time doing it so it seems to go a bit better every time. Here are four suggestions for a successful potty-training experience learned mostly from failures training my first child, and successes training my younger kids:

1. Start Early. Get them familiar with going on the toilet at a young age in order to prevent fear of going when they are 3 and 4 years old. Child #3 started going poo-poo on the toilet at age 10 months. Child #4 started going poo-poo on the toilet at age 8 months. Whenever they would start to grunt or look like they were about to go in their diaper, I would pull off the diaper and sit them on the toilet. You can see an example of this by clicking here.

2. Train them in underwear or naked if you prefer. Do not try to potty train them while they are wearing diapers. If kids have been "trained" for two years to go to the bathroom in their diaper, how are they ever going to learn to use the toilet wearing a diaper? I like Gerber underwear for potty training. It has double layers and is very absorbent. It prevents larger messes on the floor when they do have accidents. Accidents WILL happen so be prepared, but don't try to prevent the accident by training in diapers!

3. Take them to the potty chair every 20-30 minutes. Just have them sit there and try. If they don't seem to go after a few minutes of sitting and playing with a toy or reading books while they are sitting on the potty, don't frustrate them further. Just pull up their pants and try again in 5-10 minutes. Spend 2-3 days focusing on the task. It helps to give them sips of water or juice after they go potty so they will have the urge to go again in a half hour. Accidents will happen. You don't need to be upset. Just encourage them to keep their underwear clean and dry, and encourage them to use the potty next time. Teach them what to do. "Tell Mommy when you need to go pee-pee or poo-poo." "Run to the bathroom when you need to go potty."

4. Give a small reward. When we lived in Hungary we had a potty chair that made music every time liquid or anything went in the potty. It played "Let Me Call You Sweetheart." This was enough to thrill child #3 and encourage her to fill the potty again. I have also used small treats such as a chocolate chip or an M&M after the child actually goes pee-pee or poo-poo. When they are fully trained after a few weeks, I quit with the treats. The child doesn't need it anymore. The biggest reward of all is your praise and excitement for a job well done! This is very important to excitedly congratulate them when they go. Clap your hands, do a dance, sing a song. Anything to show your joy over their accomplishment. They are so proud of themselves when mommy or daddy congratulate them!

I don't want to sound like a know-it-all by this post. I only want to pass on the wisdom that I have gained. Hope it helps someone!